Kim To
My name is Kim To. I have dyslexia and ADHD.
I’m now an ADHD coach, deciding to become one after realising there was little representation of communities of colour having ADHD. I also work as a supporting artist on film sets, and I do social media and content creation as another part-time job.
Working multiple jobs
I’m currently juggling three jobs because if I focus on just one career, I feel limited. I used to work in consulting and felt trapped both intellectually and creatively. So I went to get a Master’s degree. Afterwards, I went into finance, but the systems in the organisations were restrictive, bureaucratic, and biased, which hold neurodivergent people like those with ADHD back. So I decided to leave after burning out and feeling miserable and forged some different career paths on my own terms.
I believe my ADHD gives me the perspective to see the connections between my three jobs. For neurotypicals, they may see things in a binary way. But for me, they are creative jobs about educating and connecting with others and telling a story. Craving variety and stimulation is a strength of ADHD brains to be flexible in what you do, where you can be adaptable and see connections between different things that people don’t tend to see. You must be adaptable to constant change and be comfortable with a degree of uncertainty and flexibility in careers nowadays. People with ADHD have this naturally.
Dyslexia and ADHD diagnoses
I was diagnosed with dyslexia at 20 years old back at university, and the support systems were bad. All the concessions that were available, like 25% extra time, printing credit, and an optional laptop, help you get a good grade, but nothing outside of that. None of them mattered because they didn’t change the way you think about your dyslexia. To us, the most important thing is to learn how our brains work; to apply our differences as strengths so they don’t affect our self-esteem when we enter the workplace. I processed my dyslexia as a weakness that I need to work harder to make up for. It’s quite an Asian cultural mindset to have, and I always got upset when it made me struggle to finish job applications on time. I hated it.
“When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I cried because of the built-up stress and finally understood why I operated so differently.”
I felt sad because if I had known earlier, I would have made very different life decisions. And then I felt angry because my late ADHD diagnosis also reflects women being severely underdiagnosed and not being believed by the medical system. I felt that what happened to me was happening to many other women, other victims of the patriarchal system, and reflects the gender bias in diagnosing, research, and medicine towards men. It is that anger of injustice that is the most overriding feeling I have, and it’s what motivates me to advocate, to be an ADHD coach, and to change things.
“But with a diagnosis, you have the information, you can do your own research and you can finally thrive instead of just coping.”
Struggling at work
I worked below my potential for all my childhood and adult years and worked overly hard. I had to put in 10 times more work than the average person because I didn’t know any techniques to help myself, and I didn’t understand how my brain works. I just kept working hard and burning out, which is not a good way to live. It’s frustrating that it’s taken so long to understand my strengths because it’s only now that I can actually work to my potential.
And burn out is very bad for mental health. I’ve had many appalling mental health breakdowns from thinking I’m not good enough. Even though I’m working 10 times harder, I still can’t meet the requirements in the job description, and these feelings of negativity from my neurodiversity were really bad.
COVID-19: The lowest point in life
When COVID happened, I was stuck at home, working 11 to 12 hours, for three to four months. I felt so low, I couldn’t focus, and I developed severe depression. I still worked really hard, but I wasn't delivering good enough work. Even when I got my diagnosis, nothing changed at work, in how they view me as not doing my job properly even though I have a medical condition exacerbated by a pandemic and years of being undiagnosed. I didn’t want to put my life and energy into an organisation with no compassion or understanding about being different.
“And when you’re at your lowest point, and no one’s giving you compassion, you’ve got to give compassion to yourself. So I did the best thing to help myself and left that toxic environment.”
Improvements in organisations
“Firstly, they need to recognise that neurodiversity is a different way of thinking. They need to make changes in policies and processes to accommodate people who think differently.”
Secondly, although organisations may want to support neurodiverse people, they may not really know where to start. So education and awareness are crucial. Many people make insensitive comments like “Wow, you're so intelligent and so smart. There's no way you can have dyslexia and ADHD.” And that implies that they think all dyslexic people and those with ADHD are stupid, which is not the case at all. It's a different wiring of the brain, and that's just pure ignorance.
Finally, accommodations and cultural change are necessary. This is really hard for organisations as you need a whole cultural change in how people view you. Although I advocated for me to get accommodations in my corporate job which would tick a legal box, nothing changed in how people in HR viewed me as a person. Organisations have to recognise that neurodiverse people are different and accommodate us because they genuinely want to bring the best out of us to live our best lives. But such a cultural and intellectual shift in understanding about neurological differences is difficult and needs to come first from leadership or HR.
Family and friends
It was uncomfortable for my mother to hear that she might have contributed to me not doing so well in life, and I accepted that she just doesn’t have the capacity to understand it’s okay to have a neurological difference. She thinks it’s always an external issue occurring when I run into challenges due to my neurodiversity, instead of an internal issue. I don’t need validation from my parents, so it doesn’t matter if they understand or not.
My friends have been very supportive, and now they understand why I’ve struggled with work and always felt burnt out. I spend a lot more time with them and my boyfriend, so their support is, to me, more important than parental validation.
And that’s important for people with ADHD from communities of colour because having a neurological difference is shameful in these cultures. They view you as not doing conventionally well in careers they want you to do well in. You won’t realistically get the support you deserve from your family.
I leant into external networks on the Internet and set up a WhatsApp group called “Women and Non-binary People with ADHD”, and that has helped and healed me immensely by meeting with those who’ve gone through the same things as you.
Advice to other women with ADHD
“Forming a tribe is important, with a group of people that you can check in with, share your experiences, and share symptoms.”
I haven't met anyone in my group in my WhatsApp group, but we still share very personal details and experiences with each other.
Just talking to other women about your experiences is very helpful because it helps you connect with people. My friends may not be able to empathise with my experiences, and so I form bonds with the only people that can really understand, other women with ADHD. So getting connected to online network groups helped a lot.
“When I mention I have ADHD to people in real life, it encourages people to mention they have it too, and that’s when we connect.”
If more people talk about it, more people take action. So the best thing to do for ourselves and our community is to share your story to fight against the stigma and re-educate people. Ignorance doesn’t come from a place of malice, but rather from how the media has shaped the conversation about neurodiversity.
Advice to younger self
“I would just say to have more fun.”
Growing up as neurodivergent but not knowing, you work a lot harder than your peers. So I remember working far harder, just to do my homework, and just do well at school. And when I look back at my childhood, I don't remember having fun, going to clubs, or going to extracurricular clubs, because all I cared about was working harder to get a good grades. That was just a waste of my childhood. You don't need to be the best student in class or get the best grade to do well in life.
I would say to lean into things that you're interested in naturally. Because there is stuff that I'm doing now that I've always been interested in as a kid but never allowed myself the chance to do it, like gymnastics, acting, or singing. Stuff I've always been interested in but never wanted to do as a kid because I felt like I had to catch up to my peers. So just spend more time having fun and pursuing your natural interests.
Support from experience
The dyslexic and ADHD coaching as part of my work accommodations was helpful. For the first time in my life, I was speaking to someone about my diagnosis in-depth. The language they used really helped because it was the first time I heard about those with dyslexia or ADHD having strengths. That language opened my mind to different ways of thinking about my neurodiversity.
ADHD coach training also helped me a lot. I met other women with ADHD there, and I had a whole year to learn about my ADHD, process it, think about it, research it, and really rewire my brain. These experiences really changed me, and I would advise people to look for experiences in their life that will change how they view your neurodiversity. For example, joining programmes or groups of people with a different way of thinking and talking about what it means to be neurodiverse.
Hopes & dreams for the future
“I’m very interested in using the power of technology to help neurodiverse people, to help them understand their strengths, understand how they work, and to educate them.”
My hopes and dreams are that technology will help make neurodiverse coaching more accessible to many people. The reason why I focus on this is that I think it’s more achievable than a cultural shift in understanding neurodiversity, as a cultural shift can take decades. I'd rather focus on what can empower people from the bottom-up.
I hope that every person who is neurodiverse gets a diagnosis very early on in their lives, that they're accepted in society, and all that good stuff. But I think that's very idealistic, rather than practical, given the climate that we're in right now. Using technology to help neurodiverse people understand their differences, it’s a long way to go, but it’s more achievable than saying, “I aspire to a world where everyone gets diagnosed very early.”
